WORKING MOTHER December 1990 230 Park Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10169 pg. 3 Advertisement: Mazda 2nd column 2nd paragraph FOR INSTANCE, THE COMPUTER-DESIGNED BODY STRUCTURE IS BUILT TO BE INCREDIBLY RIGID, GIVING YOU THE SECURE FEELING AND QUIET RIDE OF A MUCH LARGER CAR. 3rd paragraph In fact, the Mazda Protege actually has more roomfront and rear- than a Mercedes Benz 190E. 4th paragraph ALL OF WHICH MAY NOT BE SO SURPRISING WHEN YOU CONSIDER HOW THE PROTEGE CASTS A SILHOUETTE THAT'S STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO THOSE OF BIGGER EUROPEAN FAMILY SEDANS. 5th paragraph However, the real fun doesn't start until the engine does. You see, under the hood beats the heart of a true sports sedan. Indeed, the 5-speed, 125-horsepower Protege can zip from 0- 60 faster than a BMW 318is. 6th paragraph WE COULD TELL YOU MORE, BUT FACT AND FIGURES ARE NO SUBSTITUTE FOR FEELINGS. Instead, we recommend a visit to your Mazda Dealer. 7th paragraph Because whether you look at it, sit in it or step on it, the Mazda Protege is the compact car for people who have had enough of less. pg. 8 Section: Editor's Note Title: Political Action, Holiday Peace By: Judsen Culbreth 1st column 1st paragraph MANY OF YOU HAD A STRONG RESPONSE TO OUR SEPTEMBER ARTICLE "WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CHILD CARE BETTER?" A mother of two in Hilton, New York, wrote, "I feel as if I have just had a glass of water thrown in my face! I AM ASTOUNDED. I WAS COMPLETELY BLIND TO WHAT OTHER INDUSTRIALIZED COUNTRIES ARE DOING FOR THEIR FAMILIES. The next letter I write is to my Congressman." FROM BANDERA, TEXAS, A MOTHER WITH TWO YOUNG SONS COMMENTED: IT MAKES ME ANGRY THAT OUR GOVERNMENT CAN'T (WILL NOT) FIND BETTER MEANS TO PROTECT OUR MOST IMPORTANT RESOURCE, OUR CHILDREN." A Gansevoort, New York, reader stated, "I broke out in goose bumps! Angry tears came to my eyes when I read your article. Children and moms are being so terribly shortchanged by our 98-percent male Congress!" AND THIS FROM A MT. WASHINGTON, KENTUCKY, MOTHER: "I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY THAT I WOULD WISH I LIVED SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE UNITED STATES, BUT SWEDEN IS OBVIOUSLY THE PLACE TO BE FOR WORKING MOTHERS (AND FATHERS). Fifteen months of paid, job-protected maternity leave....I am green with envy." 2nd paragraph THE ANTIDOTE TO CHILD CARE ENVY IS ACTION. As we go to press, the House/Senate Conference considering the child care bill had not reached an agreement, and the Family and Medical Leave Act, which guarantees a job-protected maternity leave and which President Bush vetoed last spring, has been reintroduced in the Senate. Send Postcards to Honorable Thomas S. Foley (U.S. House of Representatives, Washington, DC 20515) and Honorable George Mitchell (U.S. Senate, Washington, DC 20510) urging them to support legislation for affordable, quality care and to pass the Family Medical Leave Act. If America's 53.9 million working parents all spoke out on these important issues, Congress would be forced to listen. 2nd column 1st paragraph FROM THE POLITICAL FRONT TO THE HOME FRONT- HERE'S A TIP I'VE BEEN TESTING MYSELF: WHEN YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO CHILL OUT, INSTEAD OF RAISING YOUR VOICE AND YELLING, LOWER IT INSTEAD. KEEPING COOL YOURSELF INSTILLS A SENSE OF CALMNESS IN A CHILD. I DISCOVERED THIS HELPFUL INT, WHICH WORKS ON MY TWO A FAIR AMOUNT OF THE TIME, IN BETH THAMES'S ARTICLE "CALM DOWN!" During the Christmas and Hanukkah season when even the most mild-mannered children can get overtired and overtimulated, her peace-producing suggestions are a blessing. pg. 12 Advertisement: Suave "TO ME, SPENDING MORE THAN YOU NEED TO GET GREAT LOOKING HAIR SEEMS A LITTLE SILLY THESE DAYS." pg. 13 Section: On Our Cover 1st column 1st paragraph Talk about on-site child care! THE PRODUCERS OF "LIVE WITH REGIS & KATHIE LEE" WERE SO ANXIOUS TO WELCOME BACK CO-HOST KATHIE LEE GIFFORD FROM MATERNITY LEAVE THAT THEY TRANSFORMED HER DRESSING ROOM INTO NURSERY COMPLETE WITH CRIB AND LOVE SEAT. "I KNOW IT'S A LUXURY A LOT OF WORKING WOMEN DON'T HAVE," ADMITS GIFFORD, "BUT I'M VERY GRATEFUL." 2nd paragraph Gifford returned to the show just five weeks after a cesarean delivery. SHE HAS A WEEKDAY, LIVE-IN NANNY WHO CARES FOR CODY ON AND OFF THE SET, AND HER HUSBAND, SPORTS ANALYST FRANK GIFFORD, IS EAGER TO HELP WHEN HE CAN. Dad's favorite way to pitch in is to handle the evening bath. "I can always tell when Daddy has bathed Cody because his sleeper is o backwards!" laughs Gifford. 3rd paragraph DESPITE LIVE-IN CHILD CARE, GIFFORD HAD DOUBTS ABOUT MANAGING HER BUSY SCHEDULE, WHICH INCLUDES AN ONGOING CONCERT TOUR WITH CO-HOST REGIS PHILBIN. "I WONDERED HOW I WAS GOING TO GET BACK TO A FULL WORK LOAD," SHE ADMITS, BECAUSE IN THE PAST I WOULD BE SO EXHAUSTED BY FRIDAY THAT I WOULD COLLAPSE FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND." 4th paragraph to top of 2nd column Now, says Gifford, the promise of spending uninterrupted weekends with Cody, plus energy she gets from a new exercise routine, is more than enough to keep her going. "I THINK THAT PROBABLY A LOT OF WOMEN NEGLECT THEMSELVES AFTER HAVING A BABY, BUT TELLING A NEW MOM TO EXERCISE IS THE BEST ADVICE I COULD GIVE HER. I've got more stamina now than I ever had." 2nd column 2nd paragraph Gifford often discusses wuch day-to-day details of her life on the show, which opens with a freewheeling, 15-minute exchange between the co-stars. "Our show is built on the fact that Regis and I talk about our personal lives, and Cody is the most important thing, next to my husband, in my life. So I try to share the funny things that happen. BUT," SHE ADDS, "THAT MAY GET HARDER TO DO AS CODY GETS OLDER AND SAYS 'MOM, I DON'T WANT YOU SAYING THAT!" Regis goes through that with his teenage daughters- they've given him a total gag order!" pg. 14 Title: The Hidden Message Behind Gifts Subheader: WHAT YOUR MATE CHOOSES CAN REVEAL HOW HE REALLY FEELS ABOUT YOU By: Linda Lee Small 1st column 1st paragraph It was Helene's 30th birthday, and her husband, Howard, excitedly led her into the living room. "You can open your eyes now," he said. There in the middle of the floor were golf clubs, unwrapped but tied with a big satin bow. All Helene could say was, "Are those for me?" Howard beamed, but Helene steamed. A LONGTIME TENNIS PLAYER, SHE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN GOLF AND WAS DEFINITELY "TEED OFF." 2nd paragraph MARYANNE WAS ALSO PRETTY MAD ABOUT HER HUSBAND'S GIFT. It was an exercise bike. She had recently given birth to her second child and was feeling out of shape. OBVIOUSLY HER HUSBAND, JIM, FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT HER, WAS MARYANNE'S THOUGHT WHEN SHE SAW HER GIFT FOR THEIR 10TH ANNIVERSARY. She instantly burst into tears. Every time she looked at that bike she could "hear" Jim telling her that she needed to lose weight. 2nd column 1st paragraph Gifts between spouses deliver potent messages. "EVERY PRESENT HAS AN ELEMENT OF THE UNCONSCIOUS IN IT," SAYS LINDA BARBANEL, MSW, A NEW YORK CITY PSYCHOTHERAPIST. "IT COULD SAY 'I LOVE YOU,' OR I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME,' BUT IT COULD ALSO ANNOUNCE 'HERE'S WHAT I REALLY THINK ABOUT YOU.' A good gift should say I'm paying attention- I hear you,'" explains Barbanel. "IT SHOULD DEMONSTRATE THAT THE GIVER HAS THOUGHT ABOUT THE RECEIVER." HOWARD'S AND JIM'S GIFTS BOTH SPOKE ABOUT THEIR OWN DESIRES. 3rd column 1st paragraph But the fact is there are often two different interpretations surrounding one gift: the message intended by the giver and the one interpreted by the receiver. IF WE COULD READ HOWARD'S M IND, HE WAS PROBABLY THINKING, "I'LL BUY THESE GOLF CLUBS SO HELENE AND I CAN SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER." BUT HELENE'S RESPONSE WAS, "THAT PRESENT IS FOR HIM- NOT ME." pg. 16 1st column 1st paragraph Gerald Piaget, PhD, a member of the clinical faculty of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University Medical Center, explains how some gift-givers get in trouble: MOST OF US HAVE GROWN UP HEARING 'DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU,' BUT THE GOLDEN RULE OF GIFT-GIVING SHOULD BE 'DO UNTO OTHERS AS OTHERS WOULD HAVE YOU DO UNTO THEM.'" (IF JIM HAD FOLLOWED THAT GUIDELINE, HE WOULD HAVE ASKED HIMSELF, "I WONDER IF MARYANNE WOULD LIKE AN EXERCISE BIKE?") Subheader: THE GHOST OF PRESENTS PAST 2nd paragraph But perhaps there is a more subtle rule to good gift-giving: "Do unto others as they are accustomed to being done unto by their families." WE ALL CARRY INTO OUR MARRIAGES MEMORIES OF HOW OUR FAMILIES CELEBRATED OCCASIONS, SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR MATE'S FAMILY HISTORY BEFORE YOU GO OUT SHOPPING. Take birthdays. One family my trot out party favors, balloons and a big cake with candles, while in another household the day slips by practically unnoticed. AND WE ALL ARRIVE AT HANUKKAH OR CHRISTMAS WITH MEMORIES INFORMING OUR EXPECTATIONS. SO IF YOUR FAMILY TENDED TO "GO FOR BROKE" WITH EXTRAVAGANT PRESENTS WHILE YOUR MATE COMES FROM THE SCROOGE SCHOOL OF GIFT-GIVING, THE TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE VERY DIFFERENT FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT'S APPROPRIATE. 3rd paragraph ANOTHER ASPECT OF FAMILY TRADITION DICTATES HOW INVOLVED THE RECEIVER EXPECTS TO BE IN THE PROCESS. Some mates come from families where the practice is to all but buy your own gift: Members drop hints, cut out pictures of what they want and exchange lists before they exchange presents. IN OTHER FAMILIES IT IS CONSIDERED TACKY, INSULTING OR EVEN GREEDY IF YOU SO MUCH AS DROP A CLUE. There's no right or wrong way, just different styles, stresses Michael Berger, PhD, director of the Atlanta Institute for Family Studies in Georgia. "But you have to recognize the need to accommodate your partner," Berger says. "Gift-giving is just one of the myriad ways our mate differs from us. But we can still love each other." And give each other appropriate gifts. 4th paragraph to top of 2nd column Take Rhonda and Bob. Rhonda, a fundraiser from Atlanta, comes from a small family that always made a big deal over birthdays and holidays, and she continues that tradition in her own home. SHE LOVES THE PROCESS: "I GET REAL PLEASURE FROM ALL THAT GOES INTO IT- PLANNING THE GIFT, BUYING IT, WRAPPING IT, HIDING IT. And I get a good feeling when my husband likes the gift." Yet Rhonda hands Bob a list for him to select her gift from. IT'S NOT THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE SURPRISES; IT'S THAT BOB COMES FROM A LARGE FAMILLY IN WHICH ALL THE MEMBERS MADE THEIR WISHES KNOWN AND TREATED GIFT-GIVING AS A CHORE. BOB GETS VERY NERVOUS IF HE HAS TO CHOOSE A PRESENT FOR RHONDA BY HIMSELF. SHE UNDERSTANDS, SO SHE HELPS HIM OUT. Subheader: A FOR EFFORT 2nd column 1st paragraph CLEARLY, THE THOUGHT THAT GOES INTO THE PRESENT COUNTS. For some receivers the process plays a big part in the message. 2nd paragraph MOST PEOPLE ARE PLEASED WHEN THEY ARE ON THE RECEIVING END OF A GIFT THE GIVER KNEW THEY WANTED. Barbara, an educator in Westport, Connecticut, has shared over 37 Hanukkahs with her husband, Jules. She warmly recalls one of their first: "We were shopping for a winter coat and I found one I loved, but it wasn't in my size. Jules copied the name of the manufacturer when I wasn't looking, tracked down the coat in another city and presented it to me for the first night of Hanukkah. I've owned more expensive coats, but none has ever meant as much. I wore that coat for years and years." 3rd paragraph LIKE BARBARA, MOST OF US APPRECIATE GIFTS THAT SAY "IT TOOK TIME AND THOUGHT TO FIND ME." THE GIFT NOT ONLY SENDS A LOVING MESSAGE, BUT THERE IS SOME SATISFACTION IN KNOWING THAT THE MESSENGER (A.K.A. OUR MATE) BATTLED FIGURATIVE HAIL AND SLEET, OR JUST LONG LINES AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER, TO CAPTURE IT. 4th paragraph However, there's a message not only in the effort a gift required but in the method by which it was given. Sarah, an editor, showed her husband, Steve, the new green leather pants she'd bought: "He knew that this was a real splurge for me. I happened to mention that the pants had a matching jacket, but I couldn't afford it right now." SARAH ORGOT ALL ABOUT IT UNTIL A FEW DAYS LATER WHEN SHE OPENED HER CLOSET AND THERE WAS THE JACKET HANGING OVER THE PANTS. Steve really hates shopping, so Sarah gives him high marks for not only tracking down the jacket, but hiding it in her closet so she could stumble onto it in surprise. Subheader: THE PERSONAL TOUCH 5th paragraph to top of 3rd column Good gifts are rarely "one size fits all." ACCORDING TO ROBERTA BUMBERG, PHD, A THERAPIST IN NEW YORK CITY, "WE ENJOY GETTING PRESENTS THAT REFLECT A RECOGNITION OF OUR STYLE, AND WHICH INDICATE THAT THE PERSON CHOSE IT JUST FOR US." Dr. Bumberg offers as an example the husband who had a saddle designed for his equestrian wife. WHETHER IT'S RIDING HORSEBACK, READING MYSTERIES OR LISTENING TO THE OPERA, YOUR INTEREST IS A KEY TO THE KIND OF PRESENT YOU'D LIKE. A BAD CHOICE MAKES YOU FEEL YOU OPENED UP A PRESENT THAT WAS MEANT FOR SOMEONE ELSE. 3rd column 2nd paragraph GOOD GIVERS ALSO RECOGNIZE THE MANY FACES, AND FACETS, OF THEIR MATES: SERIOUS AND FRIVOLOUS, DOWN-TO-EARTH TODAY AND MAYBE A LITTLE WILD AND ROMANTIC TOMORROW. THAT WAS THE SPIRIT BEHIND THE PRESENTS WARD GAVE RECENTLY TO HIS NEW WIFE, JULIE, A BOOKKEEPER. He presented her with an electric can opener because she had been complaining of chipping her nail polish opening cans, but he also gave her a sapphire ring to wear on one of her manicured fingers. 3rd paragraph Some gifts almost universally signal love. They are made by the giver- photographs, paintings, knitted sweaters. Lilly Gross, a ballet dancer, truly treasures the first gift she received from her husband Hank. A dentist, he made her a tiny gold ballet-slipper charm fashioned from 18-karat dentist's gold. AS LILLY SAYS, "THE CHARM WAS EXQUISITE, BUT THE REAL PLEASURE I GOT FROM THE JEWLERY WAS IN KNOWING HE MADE IT ESPECIALLY FOR ME." Subheader: PRACTICAL...OR INSULTING? 5th paragraph Really practical gifts can be great- or gross. The worst ones are things you would probably get anyway and that should be household expenses. Say it's your birthday and the toaster is regularly buring your whole wheat: If your husband gives you a new toaster it's the equivalent of killing two birds with one stone- he's knocking off your birthday plus an item on the family's most-needed list. Many givers seem to justify their choices by pointing out that the gift is useful. BUT IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE SAYING, "OH GOODY, JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED- A VACUUM CLEANER." pg. 18 1st column 1st paragraph OTHER PRACTICAL GIFTS IMPLY SAY "YOU SHOULD KNOW YOUR PLACE." These might as well be wrapped in pink for her (frying pans, irons) and blue for him (lawn mowers, power tools). 2nd paragraph "A GIFT SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL," OBSERVES DR. BERGER, "AND SOME PRACTICAL GIFTS JUST DON'T MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY." REMEMBER, WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THE MEANING YOU ATTACH TO THE GIFT. If your husband gives you a coffee grinder, it doesn't really matter if it's practical. WHAT COUNTS IS IF YOU LOVE THE IDEA OF HAVING FRESHLY GROUND COFFEE," SAYS BERGER. (By the same token, Julie loved her electric can opener because her husband knew it would spare her beautiful nails.) 3rd paragraph IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS THERE IS OFTEN A KIND OF GIFT-GIVING BURNOUT, AND IT CAN CAUSE COUPLES TO LEAN TOWARD THE PRACTICAL. THAT'S WHT LED VIVIAN, A DISTRICT ATTORNEY IN NEW YORK CITY, TO BUY HER HUSBAND, SID, AN AUTOMATIC COFFEE MAKER FOR THEIR 11TH ANNIVERSARY. SHE LIKED THE FACT THAT IT COULD TURN ITSELF ON SUNDAY MORNINGS WHILE THEY WERE IN BED READING THE PAPERS. Sid opened the present and laughed- he had bought Vivian the same coffee pot. THE MESSAGE WAS CLEAR: WE TRULY DO KNOW EACH OTHER. (The only problem was which pot to return.) Subheader: REALLY ROTTEN PRESENTS 4th paragraph Some gifts are designed not to please the receiver but to control him or her. THE MESSAGE CAN BE HIDDEN, SO THE RECIPIENT HAS TO READ CAREFULLY BETWEEN THE WRAPPINGS AND BOWS. Albert Angrilli, PhD, a family therapist in Hartsdale, New York, recalls the homebody husband who gave hi wife, who loved to travel, an adorable puppy for Christmas. The first weekend in January, when the wife suggested they go away, her husband innocently answered, "Oh, I'd love to, but how can we leave the puppy?" IT TOOK AWHILE, BUT SHE FINALLY SAW THROUGH THE "THOUGHT" BEHIND HER HUSBAND'S SELECTION. 5th paragraph IF A GOOD GIFT SAYS "THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU," A BAD ONE PRACTICALLY SINGS OUT "I DON'T LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE." ACCORDING TO DR. BERGER, "THESE GIFTS ARE OFTEN PERCEIVED AS SAYING 'WITH MY HELP YOU CAN IMPROVE.'" 6th paragraph to top of 2nd column IT WAS OVER 10 YEARS AGO, BUT BERT STILL REMEMBERS THE GIFT CERTIFICATE HIS WIFE GAVE HIM FOR A HAIRSTYLING AT AN EXPENSIVE SALON. THE PROBLEM WAS THAT BERT WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH HIS OLD STYLE, AND HE NEVER USED THE CERTIFICATE. 2nd column 1st paragraph SUCH GIFTS ARE DESIGNED TO TURN THE RECEIVER INTO WHAT THE GIVER WANTS HIM TO BE. Thus, a husband might give his wife cooking lessons knowing she htes to cook, or a wife might give her overweight mate a year's membership in a gym. GIFTS LIKE THESE MAY BE GIVEN TO BE HELPFUL, BUT THEY ARE OFTEN SEEN AS PUT-DOWNS. (Remember Jim? HIS GIFT OF AN EXERCISE BIKE WAS A MESSAGE TO HIS WIFE TO SHAPE UP AND THIN DOWN INTO HIS IDEA OF A DREAM MATE.) 2nd paragraph X-rated lingerie can also be a good example of a bad gift. "It's rather typical, though," says Dr. Angrilli. HE TELLS THE STORY OF A PROFESSIONAL WOMAN WHO CONSIDERED HERSELF TO BE A HEALTHY, SEXY FEMALE. But her husband insisted on buying her see-through nightgowns and provocative underwear, which she refused to wear. HIS GIFTS WERE SUPPOSED TO TRANSFORM HER INTO HIS NOTION OF A SEDUCTIVE WOMAN. TO HER, THEY MEANT THAT HER WAY OF BEING SEXY WASN'T ENOUGH. 3rd paragraph SOME GIFTS ARE SO OBVIOUSLY BAD-INTENTIONED THAT THE MESSAGE IS HARDLY HIDDEN AT ALL. AS PSYCHOTHERAPIST LINDA BARBANEL POINTS OUT, "GIFTS CAN CONVEY: `I'M MAD AS HELL AT YOU.' THAT'S TOUGH TO SAY OUT LOUD, SO THE MESSAGE IS DELIVERED INSTEAD THROUGH A HOSTILE GIFT." Subheader: THE PRICE IS RIGHT- THERE 5th paragraph It's hard to "ooh" or "ah" over a present that's worth five dollars max. (The recipient of a plastic hairclip grumbled, "I think he just picked it up on the steet from a peddler.") DR. PIAGET NOTES THAT "SOME GIFTS SAY `I DON'T THINK YOU'RE WORTH A LOT.' They're so cheap that they're like leaving a one-cent tip for a waitress." 3rd column 1st paragraph One of the negative messages of money selecting money is that no effort went into it. HOW MUCH THOUGHT DOES IT TAKE TO PICK OUT JUST THE "RIGHT" BILL? Subheader: STRAIGHT TO THE HEART 2nd paragraph Some of the best gifts of all are those that arise out of genuine feelings and celebrate no particular occasion- almost like Cupid, the gift-giver aims straight for the heart. They can be small tokens- like the sea-shells Irv, an interior designer, paints for Fran and leaves on her desk. (One shell read: "I'm gld we have each other.") SUCH GIFTS OFTEN SPEAK IN THE UNIQUE LANGUAGE OF THE LOVERS AND CAN BE UNDERSTOOD ONLY BY THEM. Julie, the bookkeeper, recently packed cans of Green Giant baby corn in a Tiffany box for Ward, who's a chef. As Julie explains the present: "Ward would never use anything but fresh vegetables in his restaurant, but at home he enjoys the crunch he gets from that brand." Obviously, Ward could buy his own canned corn, but the beautifully wrapped gift procalimed, "I'm thinking of you and what you really like." 3rd paragraph And then there are the couples who don't exchange gifts on traditional occasions. Married to Martin for 22 years, Angela has yet to receive a birthday or anniversary gift from him. As she explains, "MARTIN HAS NEVER BELIEVED IN RIGIDLY OBSERVING CERTAIN DAYS. When I complained, years and years ago, he said, `It's more important what I do the other 364 days.'" So Martin celebrates "unbirthdays," "rainy days" and even "Happy Tuesdays." Angela may get flowers today or white chocolate tomorrow. Recently she found a little box on her home computer. Inside was a gold heart ring she admired in a neighborhood jewlery-store window. THE ATTACHED NOTE READ: "I KNOW YOUR HEART WAS SET ON THIS." bottom of pg. 24 Subheader: DINNER MUSIC 1st column 2nd paragraph Her findings: Those who heard the rock `n' roll ate one and a half times as much as those who listened to slow music or no music. Why? Because they at twice as fast (probably lifting their fork in time with the beat). A FEELING OF FULLNESS DOESN'T REGISSTER UNTIL 20 TO 25 MINUTES AFTER FOOD IS CONSUMED, SO QUICK DINNERS DON'T REALIZE THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH UNTIL THEY'VE OVERDONE IT. top of pg. 24 Subheader: FAMILY BREAST-CANCER RISK 3rd column 1st paragraph WOMEN HAVE LONG KNOWN THAT THEY ARE AT GREATER RISK OF BREAST CANCER IF A MOTHER OR SISTER HAD THE DISEASE. A study recently published inthe American Journal of Epidemiology suggests that there is special cause for concern for women under age 55 if the relative developed cancer before age 40. Such women were more than twice as likely to develop breast cancer as those under 55 without a family cancer history. pg. 30 Section: Smart Money Title: Gimme Shelter! Subheader: HOW TO SAVE MONEY FOR THE KIDS AND REDUCE TAXES AT THE SAME TIME By: Deborah Rankin 1st column 1st paragraph WITH ALL THE RUSH AND BUSTLE OF PREPARING FOR THE HOLIDAYS, IT'S EASY TO FORGET THAT TAX SEASON IS NOT FAR OFF. A reminder, then: The holidays mark the close of one tax year and the beginning of another- and it is never too late, or too early, to think about minimizing the annual tax bite on your family's income. 3rd paragraph AS YOU KNOW, EACH YEAR, YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MUST PAY TAX (15, 28, OR 33 PERCENT, DEPENDING ON YOUR TAX BRACKET) ON ANY INCOME, SUCH AS INTEREST, DIVIDENDS, PROFITS FROM SALE, THAT YOUR INVESTMENTS PRODUCE. YOU MAY NOT KNOW, HOWEVER, THAT YOU CAN REDUCE THE TAX ON THIS INCOME BY GIVING A PORTION OF THESE ASSETS TO YOUR CHILDREN- WHO, SO LONG AS CERTAIN RESTRICTIONS ARE OBSERVED, WILL BE TAXED AT A RATE LOWER THAN YOUR OWN. 5th paragraph Before choosing to exercise this option, however, you should be aware that it does entail some risk, because once these gifts are made, they are irrevocable- meaning that you can't take them back should you find yourself in a financial pinch. Furthermore, although your children can't touch this money while they are minors, once they reach the age of majority (which should be 18 or 21, as set by your state), all decisions on how to spend this money are made by them. "THIS MEANS," SAYS KESS, "THAT THEY CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT TO WITH THE MONEY. IF SANDY BEACHES ARE MORE ENTICING TO THEM THAN IVY COVERED WALLS- THAT'S THE CHANCE YOU TAKE." 6th paragraph to top of 2nd column IF YOU'D RATHER NOT TAKE THIS CHANCE, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER TWO OTHER OPTIONS. THE FIRST POSSIBILITY IS TO PURCHASE THE NEW "QUALIFIED" SERIES EE U.S. SAVINGS BONDS. THESE BONDS CAN BE REDEEMED TOTALLY TAX-FREE IF THE PROCEEDS ARE USED TO PAY COLLEGE TUITION. Because the bonds have to be in your name, not your child's, you can cash them in at any time and use the money for other purposes if you need to. (But in that case you'll have to pay taxes on the interest earned.) Sounds perfect right? But there's a big drawback: The tax exemption starts to phase out for the couples with adjusted gross income of $60,000 and singles with income of $40,000. Subheader: HERE'S HOW IT WORKS Subheader: SETTING UP A CUSTODIAL ACCOUNT pg. 32 1st column 5th paragraph to top of 2nd column You can name yourself as custodian, but it's wiser not to. THE REASON: IF A PARENT SERVES AS BOTH "DONOR" (THE PERSON WHO OPENS AND MAKES DEPOSITS INTO THE ACCOUNT) AND "CUSTODIAN" (THE PERSON WHO MANAGES IT), THE ACCOUNT WILL BE CONSIDERED PART OF THAT PARENT'S ESTATE SHOULD HE OR SHE DIE BEFORE THE CHILD COMES OF AGE. The result is that a piece of the estate could be eaten up by federal estate taxes which might have been avoided had another adult been named custodian. If yours is a two-parent household, then, it's best if one parent acts as "donor" and the other as "custodian." If you head a one-parent household, it's wise to name a trusted friend or relative as custodian. Subheader: GET THE FAMILY TO GIVE Subheader: DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT 3rd column 2nd paragraph ONLY YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND CAN DECIDE WHICH OF THESE TAX-SAVING STRATEGIES SUIT YOUR FAMILY. MAKING THIS DECISION WISELY REQUIRES AN INVESTMENT OF TIME, ENERGY AND THOUGHT. You will also have to put in a few extra hours at tax time filing out seperate returns for your children. WORKING MOTHER December 1990 230 Park Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10169 pg. 34 Title: Calm Down Subheader: IN THE EXCITEMENT OF THE HOLIDAYS, KIDS TEND TO BECOME OVERTIRED AND OVERWIRED. THESE TIPS WILL KEEP THEM FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL By: Beth Thames 1st column 1st paragraph WHEN OUR FIRST CHILD WAS A TODDLER, WE DECIDED TO MAKE OUR CHRISTMAS TRIP HOME TO VISIT OUR PARENTS IN A NEW WAY: WE WOULD TRAVEL AT NIGHT. THAT WAY, WE REASONED, ELIZABETH WOULD SLEEP, MY HUSBAND AND I COULD TAKE TURNS SLEEPING AND DRIVING, AND ALL OF US WOULD ARRIVE AT MY PARENTS' HOME RESETED. Of course, we were wrong. Elizabeth sang "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for 600 miles, and raced into her grandmother's house in a state of frenzy. As the week wore on, our daughter became more wired up as a stream of relatives came to the house for holiday meals and parties. WE WONDERED HOW SHE COULD STAY AWAKE SO LONG PAST HER REGULAR BEDTIME, AND FELT EMBARRASSED ABOUT HER WHINING. We also wondered if we should skip the Christmas trip next year. Subheader: WHY CHILDREN LOSE CONTROL 4th paragraph THE FIRST STEP, ACCORDING TO DR. BUSS, IS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT FACTORS PUSH CHILDREN BEYOND THEIR LIMITS AND TEND TO MAKE THEM OUT OF CONTROL. 2nd column 1st paragraph STRESS IS ALL AROUND. When we try to do too much at Christmas and become overly tired and anxious, our children pick up on this. They often can't differentiate between their stress and ours. 2nd paragraph FURTHERMORE, WHEN CHILDREN ARE EXCITED, THEY HAVE A LIMITED ABILITY TO USE LANGUAGE TO REGULATE THEIR FEELINGS, ACCORDING TO PETER A. WILLIAMSON, PHD, IN HIS NEW BOOK GOOD KIDS, BAD BEHAVIOR (SIMON & SCHUSTER). THEIR FEELINGS ARE OFTEN TOO COMPLEX AND OVERWHELMING TO ARTICULATE. EVEN OLDER SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN ARE LIKELY TO VENT THEIR EMOTIONS THROUGH THEIR BEHAVIOR. 4th paragraph "ADULTS MAY FEEL OVERWHELMED BY THE DEMANDS OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON, BUT WE'VE HAD YEARS TO LEARN A PARTICULAR STYLE OF COPING WHEN WE ARE OVERTIRED OR TOO BUSY," DR. BUDD SAYS. "OUR CHILDREN DON'T HAVE THE SAME RANGE OF COPING PATTERNS YET." 5th paragraph to top of pg. 37 EXPECTATIONS MAY BE TOO HIGH. IN ADDITION TO THE HOLIDAY STRESS, WE ADD AN EXTRA BURDEN IN THAT WE EXPECT CHILDREN TO BE ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR THE WHOLE TIME, OR IN WHAT DR. BUDD CALLS "THE PERFORMANCE MODE." WE EXPECT THEM TO SHARE EXCITING NEW TOYS WITH COUSINS THEY MAY SEE ONLY ONCE A YEAR; WE WANT THEM TO SHOW GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WHAT GOOD ANNERS THEY HAVE; WE CALL UPON THEM TO BE FRIENDLY AND GRACIOUS TO UNCLE CHARLIE WITH HIS SCARY BOOMING VOICE OR GREAT-AUNT SELMA WITH HER FUNNY-SMELLING PERFUME. It's a lot to ask. pg. 37 1st column 2nd paragraph WE WANT TO HAVE A JOYFUL HOLIDAY SEASON WITH OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS. Wo how do we go about it? PARENTS NEED TO BUILD AN EARLY WARNING SYSTEM THAT TELLS THEM WHEN THEIR CHILDREN ARE EXCITED BUT STILL CAPABLE OF THINKING, CONFORTING THEMSELVES AND FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS," EXPLAINS DR. WILLIAMSON. Child and family experts offer the following advice to help overstimulated children calm down. Subheader: PREVIEW NEW EXPERIENCES 5th paragraph Parents can't rehearse every possible coming event, but it helps to anticipate any big problems that may result from a change in routine. "IF YOU TAKE A CHILD SHOPPING WITH YOU AFTER WORK, YOU CAN EXPECT HER TO BE HUNGRY, TIRED OR CRANKY, SAYS SUSAN SEIDMAN, PHD, CHIEF OF CHILDREN'S SERVICES AT ROCKLAND CHILDREN'S PSYCHIATRIC CENTER IN ORANNGEBURG, NEW YORK. Before she begins to whine for a candy bar, give her animal crackers or a pretzel. Keep her focused by asking her to name all of the red things she sees in the store. If she's pointing at red sweaters and Santas, she'll be less likely to throw a tantrum. Take along some distraction, like a picture book or toy. Subheader: SET LIMITS FOR YOUR RELATIVES 2nd column 3rd paragraph to top of 3rd column "WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT FAMILIES GO THROUGH STAGES ALONG WITH THEIR CHILDREN- THIS YEAR WE MANAGE THIS WAY BECAUSE THE CHILDREN ARE SMALL, AND IN A FEW YEARS, WE'LL MANAGE ANOTHER WAY," DR. BUDD SAYS. "BUT IF WE IGNORE OUR CHILD'S NEEDS, WE CAN LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT THE HOLIDAYS SHOULD BE ABOUT- GIVING, UNDERSTANDING AND HARMONY." As long as you explain to the relatives in advance why you need to vary plans or that you and your youngster may slip away from the dinner table, no one is likely to take offense. In fact, they'll probably be relieved. "Nothing disturbs harmony like a three-year-old who has missed her nap," points out Dr. Budd. 3rd column 1st paragraph It's also important for parents to explain to other adults how they can help keep a child from becoming overwrought. YOU CAN'T EXPECT YOUR CHILD TO DO ALL THE ADAPTING; IF RELATIVES ARE ROUGHHOUSING TOO MUCH, OR INSISTING ON HUGS AND KISSES PREMATURELY, YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD'S NEEDS AND REMIND THE GROWNUPS THAT THEY MUST TAKE THINGS MORE SLOWLY. Subheader: BE CLEAR ABOUT THE RULES top of pg. 38 1st column 1st paragraph LET HIM KNOW WHEN HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB, TOO. If you find him playing quietly, say to him: "Look how well you've settled yourself down. You're playing with those Legos so nicely. I'm proud of you." Positive reinforcement when he's doing well is just as important as an early warning when he breaks the rules. Subheader: TAKE A BREAK FROM THE CROWD 2nd column 1st paragraph TAKING A BREAK ALSO FULFILLS ANOTHER IMPORTANT FUNCTION- IT ALLOWS YOU TO FOCUS ALL YOUR ATTENTION ON YOUR CHILD, WHO IS LIKELY TO BE FEELING LEFT OUTOF THE GROWNUPS ACTIVITIES. It's easy for parents to get so involved with food preparations and catching with family and friends that they forget about the kids and hope the can fend for themselves. BUT IF EACH SET OF PARENTS TAKES JUST A LITTLE TIME GO GO OFF PRIVATELY WITH THEIR OWN CHILD- TO CHECK IN, ASK IF EVERYTHINGS'S GOING ALL RIGHT AND FIND OUT IF SHE'S HAVING FUN WITH THE OTHER KIDS- THOSE FEW MINUTES CAN GO A LONG WAY TOWARD KEEPING EXCITEMENT IN CHECK AND TURNING AROUND DISAPPOINTMENTS AND TENSIONS BEFORE THEY REACH THE EXPLOSIVE STAGE. Subheader: HOLD ON TO BEDTIME ROUTINES pg. 39 1st column 2nd paragraph Thompson advises parents against letting children "run it all off before bedtime." That strategy will backfire. IT MAY BE THE WAY TO GET RID OF TENSION, BUT CHILDREN OFTEN BECOME MORE ENERGETIC, AND FIND IT EVEN HARDER TO WIND DOWN. 3rd paragraph IF YOU NOTICE AS THE EVENING WEARS ON THAT YOUR CHILD IS LOSING CONTROL AND BECOMING INCREASINGLY ACTIVE, THOMPSON SUGGESTS SOME RELAXING GAMES RIGHT BEFORE BEDTIME. Subheader: WHEN YOUR BEST EFFORTS FAIL 5th paragraph Most experts agree that it's easier to deal with active children on their own turf, where we can anticipate problems. Traveling presents constant challenges, because so much is out of our control. Sometimes we simply have to do the best we can. AND SOMETIMES, AS I FOUND ON A HOLIDAY TRIP TO WASHINGTON SEVERAL YEARS AGO, OUR BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 2nd column 1st paragraph AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT NIGHT, WHERE WE WENT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE LARGE GATHERING OF RELATIVES, WE NOTICED THAT BRYAN, OUR TWO-YEAR-OLD, HAD DEVELOPED A NASTY COUGH AND AN EVEN NASTIER HABIT OF SAYING, "SHUT UP YOUR FACE!" WHENEVER WE ASKED HIM ANYTHING. 3rd paragraph MY FRIEND BETSY JEAN REMEMBERS A TRIP TO NORTH CAROLINA'S OUTER BANKS WHEN SHE AND HER HUSBAND, BILL, HOPED TO GET FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHRISTOPHER TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR ON THE EVENINGS PRECEDING CHRISTMAS DAY. They tried to keep him on his "at home" schedule. But he was so excited and nervous about Santa finding him at the beach ("Will he be able to?") that he couldn't sleep. He seemed to wake up every hour. pg. 41 Title: What Money Can't Buy Subheader: THE FOUR WISEST GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE YOUR CHILD By: Michael Schulman 1st column 1st paragraph This is the time of year, of course, when we all have presents on our minds. We look forward to watching our children's joyful faced- eyes wide ad bright- as they tear through the paper and ribbon we so carefully wrapped around our selections. AS I PROWLED THE TOY STORE IN SEARCH OF SOMETHING SPECTACULAR TO GIVE MY DAUGHTER, THOUGHTS OF MY FRIEND JOE CAME TO MIND. 2nd paragraph Joe is a man of character- the kind of friend you can count on. I've seen him through many ups and downs during the years of our friendship- some of the downs quite serious, involving the death of loved ones and weighty financial problems. YET SOMEHOW HE ALWAYS RETAINED HIS GENEROUS, OPTIMISTIC SPIRIT; LIFE'S STORMS COULD NOT UNDERMINE IS CORE OF FAITH IN HIMSELF, AT LEAST NOT FOR LONG. 3rd paragraph As a psychologist, I'm naturally curious about how people develop their unique personalities. MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS I'VE WONDERED HOW JOE ACQUIRED SO SOLID A SENSE OF WHO HE WAS AND WHAT HE STOOD FOR. Psychological research hasn't yet sorted out just how inborn characteristics, family and other environmental circumstances interact to determine the men and women we become. Yet Joe once revealed something about his childhood that I suspect contributed profoundly to the man he became. 2nd column 1st paragraph I asked him about his relationship with his father, who had died some years before I met Joe. He told me that his father owned a candy store and worked long hours, often seven days a week. "He didn't have much time for us to do things together," Joe explained. "BUT I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID- AND EVEN LATER WHEN I WAS LIVING ON MY OWN- THAT WHENEVER I WALKED INTO HIS STORE, MY DAD GOT A LOOK ON HIS FACE AS IF THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HAD JUST ARRIVED. His eyes lit up, and I guess mine did too. I look back at those afternoons- with him teaching me how to scoop ice cream and make sodas- as the best of times." 2nd paragraph THE LIGHT IN HIS FATHER'S EYES CREATED A GLOW INSIDE JOE THAT CONTINUES TO WARM HIM THESE MANY YEARS LATER. JOE RECEIVED THE GIFT OF LOVE FROM HIS FATHER, AN INTANGIBLE TREASURE THAT I'M SURE HELPED FORM THE STRONG, SOLID CORE OF HIS PERSONALITY. 3rd paragraph to top of 3rd column Obviously, nothing I could find for my daughter in the toy store could match that. Now don't think I'm putting down toys. KIDS LOVE THEM AND GROW FROM THEM, YET THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME OF YEAR TO STOP FOR A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN, WHAT GIFTS WILL TRULY ENRICH AND SUSTAIN THEM THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES. Here are some suggestions for a different, and more meaningful, kind of gift list: Subheader: THE GIFT OF AWE 3rd column 1st paragraph THE FRENCH WRITER COLETTE DESCRIBES HOW SHE RECEIVED THE GIFT OF AWE FROM HER MOTHER, SIDO, IN THE BOOK EARTHLY PARADISE (FARRAR, STRAUS AND GIROUX): 3rd paragraph to top of pg. 43 Sido's word was "Look," but in that word was a celebration of the beauty awaiting all of her child's senses at every turn. THROUGH THE GIFT OF AWE OUR CHILDREN GO OUT INTO THE WORLD IN EXCITED ANTICIPATION OF WHAT THEY MIGHT FIND THERE. AWE OVER NATURAL BEAUTY GIVES THEM A KIND OF HARBOR TO RETURN TO WHEN LIFE'S OBSTACLES SEEM OVERWHELMING. Our children will pretty much face the struggles we have, needing to find their way through relationships, moral delimmas, financial uncertainties and countless other challenges. IF THEY CAN STILL NOTICE AND BE AWED BY THE BEAUTY ALL AROUND THEM- IN THE DANCE OF A ROBIN ON THE LAWN OR THE CARVINGS OVER THE DOORWAY ACROSS THE STREET- THEIR WORLD WILL NEVER TURN INTO A MORE "SEA OF TROUBLES." So, like Sido, celebrate the world for your child! Subheader: THE GIFT OF IDEALS pg. 43 1st column 1st paragraph This is a cynical age, with few heroes and increasing uncertainty over values. Yet this Christmas season, millions of us will sit in front of our TV sets and watch (again) the movie IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE. WE'LL SEE GEORGE BAILEY DISCOVERING THAT HE HAS BEEN LIVING A LIFE CONSISTENT WITH HIS HIGHEST IDEALS. GEORGE HAD NEVER IDENTIFIED THEM FOR HIMSELF UNTIL AN ANGEL NAMED CLARENCE HELPED HIM SEE THAT HIS HARD DECISIONS AT CRITICAL POINTS IN HIS LIFE HAD ALL BEEN GUIDED BY HIS COMMITMENT TO TREAT OTHERS KINDLY AND FAIRLY. 2nd paragraph America's infatuation with George Bailey is curious- and heartening. MANY PARENTS I KNOW HAVE INTRODUCED THEIR CHILDREN TO IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE HOPING THE FILM WOULD COMMUNICATE THE MESSAGE OF VALUES AND HOPE THAT THE PARENTS THEMSELVES HAD BEEN UNABLE TO EXPRESS. MANY WILL WATCH THE FILM WITH THEIR CHILDREN WHILE GRUMBLING THAT EVERYONE IS BASICALLY SELFISH- NOT REALIZING THAT THEIR NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE HALL AND ACROSS THE NATION ARE WATCHING THE SAME FILM WITH THEIR CHILDREN FOR THE VERY SAME PURPOSE: TO HELP THEM DEVELOP WORTHY IDEALS. 3rd paragraph OUR IDEALS DEFINE FOR US WHAT WE BELIEVE CONSTITUTES A WONDERFUL LIFE, AND THAT SIMPLE MOVIE'S THUNDEROUS MESSAGE IS THAT THE MEASURE OF A WONDERFUL LIFE IS THE GOOD IT BRINGS ABOUT. THE IDEALS PROPOUNDED IN THE FILM ARE THE ENEMY OF SELFISHNESS AND AN ANTIDOTE TO CYNICISM. And if video sales are any gauge, many of us still believe in those ideals. 4th paragraph YET WHEN I ASK PARENTS, "WHAT DO YOUR CHILDREN THINK YOU STAND FOR?", MANY REALIZE THAT THEY HAVEN'T DELIVERED A CLEAR MESSAGE TO THEIR CHILDREN ABOUT VALUES. SOMETIMES IT'S BECAUSE ADULTS AREN'T STRAIGHT IN THEIR OWN MINDS ABOUT WHAT THEY DO BELIEVE; SOMETIMES IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE SO HARRIED BY THE DEMANDS OF LIFE THAT, LIKE GEORGE BAILEY, THEY HAVEN'T TAKEN TIME TO ARTICULATE THE FRAMEWORK OF VALUES THAT GUIDES THEIR CHOICES. AND SOMETIMES THEY'RE SIMPLY AFRAID THEY'LL SOUND SAPPY OR OLD-FASHIONED. 2nd column 1st paragraph That's unfortunate. OUR CHILDREN NEED TO BELIEVE IN THE POSSIBILITY OF LIVING A WONDERFUL LIFE, THAT THERE ARE GOALS (BEYOND MORE NINTENDO TAPES) THAT ARE WORTH STRIVING FOR, AND THAT THEIR DAILY UPS AND DOWNS ADD UP TO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. In other words, children need ideals. When parents share the principles they live by, they give their children a head start on the road to defining their own ideals. Then parents and children can work for a wonderful life together. Subheader: THE GIFT OF CONFIDENCE 2nd paragraph WHEN WE CALL SOMEONE CONFIDENT WE MEAN A NUMBER OF THINGS: THAT HE HAS FAITH HE CAN ACHIEVE WHAT HE SETS OUT TO ACHIEVE, THAT HE WILL WORK HARD AND PERSEVERE DESPITE SETBACKS OR CRITICISM AND THAT HE SETS LOFTY GOALS FOR HIMSELF. These assets are wonderful to see in a child. WHEN FIXED ON A GOAL OR FACED WITH FRUSTRATION, THE INNDER VOICE OF THE CONFIDENT CHILD SAYS, "I CAN DO IT." Without this voice children give up easily and set their sights low. Louis Pasteur captured the essence of confidence when he said, "Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strenth lies in my tenacity." 3rd paragraph Want to see confidence and tenacity? Watch a nine-month-old trying to climb a stircase, unrelenting in her pursuit despite setbacks. Want another example? Observe a three-year-old insisting on zipping her own jacket, exclaiming, "I want to do it myself." Children start out confident. They come into the world programmed to master it. IF THE CHILD ON THE STAIR CASE COULD TELL YOU WHY SHE WANTS TO CLIMB IT, I'M SURE SHE WOULD ECHO SIR EDMUND HILLARY'S REASON FOR CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST: BECAUSE IT IS THERE. 4th paragraph CHILDREN WANT TO KNOW AND DO EVERYTHING- TO GET INTO EVERY CABINET, CLIMB EVERY STAIRCASE, TAKE EVERY OBJECT APART AND PUT IT BACK TOGETHER. They may differ in their interests and exuberance, but they don't ordinarily start out with problems in motivation or confidence. 5th paragraph SOMETIMES, THOUGH, FRUSTRATIONS BECOME EXCESSIVE, AND PARENTS, TEACHERS, SIBLINGS OR PLAYMATES FOCUS ON WHAT THE CHILD CAN'T DO, SHOULDN'T DO AND SHOULDN'T EVEN THINK OF TRYING. Sometimes children get the message that it's not OK to fail, or that their own goals aren't acceptable ("My son is going to be an athlete, not a dancer"). Moreover, pursuing goals often involveds time and a fair amount of mess. And sometimes children get the message that it is more important to stay quiet, controlled and neat. 3rd column 1st paragraph PARENTS CAN FOSTER CONFIDENCE IN MANY WAYS: BY COMMUNICATING THEIR JOY IN THEIR CHILD'S STRIVINGS, REGARDLESS OF ULTIMATE SUCCESS OR FAILURE; BY ASSISTING IN THOSE STRIVINGS WHEN NECESSARY, BUT ONLY ENOUGH SO THEIR CHILD CAN STILL FEEL A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT; BY TAKING THEIR CHILD'S PROJECTS SERIOUSLY, WHETHER SHE IS LINING UP HER STUFFED ANIMALS IN A PERFECT ROW OR BUILDING A CASTLE OUT OF POPSICLE STICKS; BY REMINDING THEIR YOUNGSTER THAT SETBACKS ARE A NATURAL PART OF ANY WORTHWHILE PURSUIT; AND BY RETELLING STORIES ABOUT PERSISTENCE, FROM THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD TO ACCOUNTS OF REAL-LIFE PEOPLE WHO CLUNG FAST TO THEIR VISION DESPITE DISAPPOINMENTS OR DERISION. Subheader: THE GIFT OF LOVE 3rd paragraph A BIT MORE ON MY FRIEND JOE: AS I INDICATED, JOE'S FATHER ENJOYED HIS SON AND LET HIM KNOW IT. BUT DON'T THINK THEY DIDN'T HAVE CONFLICTS LIKE ANY OTHER PARENT AND CHILD. JOE DESCRIBED HIS FATHER AS "A TOUGH OLD GUY WHO LET ME KNOW WHEN I WAS OFF THE MARK." IF HE THOUGHT JOE WAS DOING SOMETHING THAT HURT OTHERS OR HIMSELF, JOE'S FATHER WOULD INTERVENE. BUT EVEN THEN, JOE NEVER DOUBTED THAT HIS FATHER WAS FUNDAMENTALLY ON HIS SIDE. That's the essence of the gift of love. IF OUR CHILDREN COME TO FEEL THAT WE ROOT FOR THEM EVEN WHEN WE FIND IT NECESSARY TO SAY NO, WE CAN REST SECURE THAT WE'VE GIVEN THEM A GIFT WHICH WILL LAST A LIFETIME. pg. 44 Title: The Reproductive Rights Battle Subheader: ARE COMPANY POLICIES THAT CLAIM TO BE PROTECTING UNBORN CHILDREN REALLY JUST DISCRIMINATION IN DISGUISE? By: Sandra Blakeslee 1st column 1st paragraph GINNY GREEN WAS 50 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE LEARNED SHE WOULD HAVE TO GIVE UP HER HIGH-PAYING JOB WITHOVERTIME IN A BATTERY FACTORY IN BENNINGTON, VERMONT. The reason? She might accidently get pregnant and her fetus might be poisoned by the lead she works with on the job. HER COMPANY, JOHNSON CONTROLS, SAID- AS A MATTER OF POLICY- THAT IT COULD NOT TRUST HER, OR ANY WOMAN, TO CONTROL HER FERTILITY. 2nd paragraph "I WAS OUTRAGED," GREEN SAYS. "I WORKED HARD FOR MY SENIORITY AND THE THOUGHT OF PREGNANCY AT MY AGE WAS RIDICULOUS." Green's union job, stacking metal plates covered with lead paste, paid $10 an hour plus health benefits. An energetic worker, she needed the work and its overtime pay to help her family make ends meet. In Bennington, few positions pay as well. Her only alternative was to seek minimum-wage work, which would impoverish her family. 4th paragraph NOW THE SUPREME COURT IS TO DECIDE IF GINNY GREEN'S EMPLOYER HAD THE RIGHT TO FORCE HER OFF THE FACTORY FLOOR BECAUSE SHE WAS FERTILE AND MIGHT ENDANGER A FETUS. The lawsuit, United Automobile Workers (UAW) versus Johnson Controls, has been called the most important sex discrimination case in any court in 25 years. Subheader: AT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM 2nd column 1st paragraph Fetal-protection policies are blanket measures barring women from jobs that might imperil a fetus. NO ONE KNOWS HOW MANY COMPANIES HAVE SUCH POLICIES, SAYS BERTIN, BUT THEY ARE COMMON IN HEAVY INDUSTRIES THAT TRADITIONALLY EMPLOY MEN IN HANDSOMELY COMPENSATED UNION JOBS. According to one recent study, 20 percent of manufacturing companies in Massachusetts have policies that exclude women from coming into contact with toxic substances. 3rd paragraph UNDOUBTEDLY, WOMEN WOULD RATHER AVOID EXPOSURE TO HARMFUL SUBSTANCES. AND WHAT MOTHER-TO-BE DOESN'T WANT TO PROTECT HER UNBORN CHILD? BUT WOMEN DON'T WANT TO BE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST EITHER: THE FACT IS, MEN ARE ALSO VULNERABLE TO ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTANTS, AND TOXIC MATERIALS CAN DAMAGE SPERM. So why is it that only the women have been singled out for "protection"? Wouldn't it be better to make the workplace safe for all workers? Subheader: THE JOHNSON CONTROLS STORY pg. 46 1st column 1st paragraph But women and fetuses are not the only ones at risk. Lead in high doses produces abnormal sperm and causes male infertility, says lead expert Herbert Needleman, MD, a pediatrician and psychiatrist at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. At lower doses, not unlike those found in factories, it has been linked with heart disease, irritability, memory loss, stroke and reduced libido. UNTIL STUDIES ARE DONE ON HOW THESE LOWER LEAD LEVELS AFFECT THE MALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM, SAYS NEEDLEMAN, "WE CANNOT CONCLUDE THAT LOW LEVELS ARE SAFE FOR MEN AND THEIR FUTURE OFFSPRING." 3rd paragraph In 1978, the first federal standard for lead in the workplace was set. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, SAYS ZUTZ, COMPANY PHYSICIANS FELT THAT THE ADULT STANDARD WAS NOT A SAFE LEVEL FOR DEVELOPING FETUSES. Women were asked to voluntarily refrain from getting pregnant if they worked in high-lead areas, or to request transfer to low-lead areas, where, unfortunately, the pay was even lower. 4th paragraph Between 1978 and 1983, six women got pregnant while working in high-lead areas. ALTHOUGH NONE OF THE SUBSEQUENTLY BORN CHILDREN SHOWED SIGNS OF BEING HARMED, JOHNSON CONTROLS FELT THAT THE VOLUNTARY POLICY WAS NOT WORKING. Since half of all pregnancies are unplanned, women could not guarentee that they would not get pregnant. Consequently, the company adopted its first mandatory fetal-protection policy: All women of childbearing age who didn't present a doctor's not proving sterilization were banned from the factory floor- not to protect them but to protect their potential fetuses. 5th paragraph At the Johnson Controls battery plant in Louisville, Kentucky, "the majority of women had their tubes cut and tied," says Patricia Lynn Briner, 39, who decided not to opt for sterilization and was transferred to the shipping department. "I DON'T INTEND TO HAVE MORE BABIES," SAYS THIS MOTHER OF TWO GROWN CHILDREN, "BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL FOR UNNECESSARY SURGERY JUST TO PROVE A POINT." 2nd column 2nd paragraph A year ago, the United States Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit in Chicago upheld the company's policy. In explaining the decision, Judge John Coffey said: "The status of women inAmerica has changed both in the family and in the economic system. SINCE THEY HAVE BECOME A FORCE IN THE WORKPLACE AS WELL AS IN THE HOME BECAUSE OF THEIR DESIRE TO BETTER THE FAMILY'S STATION IN LIFE, IT WOULD BE IMPROBABLE THAT A FEMALE EMPLOYEE MIGHT SOMEHOW RATIONALLY DISCOUNT THIS CLEAR RISK IN HER HOPE AND BELIEF THAT HER INFANT WOULD NOT BE ADVERSELY AFFECTED FROM LEAD EXPOSURE. The unborn child has no opportunity to avoid this grave danger, but bears the definite risk of suffering permanent consequences." Subheader: LEGACY OF DISCRIMINATION 7th paragraph TO PROTECT WOMEN FROM THESE UGLY CONDITIONS, MANY STATES PASSED LABOR LAWS THAT GAVE WOMEN "SAFE HARBOR" IN A RANGE OF POORLY PAID OCCUPATIONS TO WHICH THEY WERE THOUGHT TO BE "SUITED" SEWING, TYPING, TEACHING AND SO ON. They were not allowed to work long hours or at night, unless their services were indispensable. (Nurses, for example, were exempted from the labor laws.) Society unwittingly condoned discrimination against women by deining them as the weaker sex, says Bertin. pg. 47 1st column 1st paragraph AS IN THE PAST, WHAT WOMEN ARE REALLY BEING "PROTECTED" FROM ARE JOBS THAT MEN DESIRE, SAYS WOMEN'S RIGHTS ADVOCATES. Fetal-protection policies are simply not applied to low-paying jobs like operating view display erminals and working on assembly lines in the electronics industry. THERE ARE RISKS INVOLVED IN THOSE WORKPLACES, TOO, SAYS EXPERTS, YET NO ONE SEEMS INTERESTED IN PROTECTING WOMEN AND FETUSES IN SUCH SETTINGS. Nurses are routinely exposed to hazardous chemicals like aerosol medications and the gases used in operating rooms, but these women are rarely excluded from the workplace during pregnancy for the simple reason that there is a shortage of nurses right now. Undoubtedly, there's a double standard at work here. Subheader: IS THERE A BETTER SOLUTION? 2nd paragraph If industries really wanted to take a practical approach to the problem, they would clean up the workplace instead of trying to ban women, says Marc Lappe, a bioethicist at the University of Illinois Medical School in Chicago and expert in the workplace hazards. THE FETAL-PROTECTION DEBATE HINGES ON THE NOTION THAT WOMEN, THEREFORE FETUSES, ARE MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO TOXINS THAN MEN, HE SAYS. But in some cases men are more vulnerable to on-the-job hazards. For instance, they are six or seven times more susceptible than women to liver cancer from exposure to vinyl chloride, says Lappe. (Indeed, when industry learned this fact, it didn't ban men from the factory floor, but tightened standards for vinyl chloride to make the workplace safe.) 3rd paragraph ALTHOUGH SCIENTISTS HAVE NOT DONE MANY STUDIES ON MALE REPRODUCTIVE HAZARDS, THEY SUSPECT THAT SPERM ARE PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE TO ENVIRONMENTAL CONTAMINANTS. The male testes produce a new batch of sperm approximately every 60 days. If a man is exposed to toxins or radiation, his sperm may be affected for many weeks. Women's eggs, on the other hand, are already formed at birth and so many be less vulnerable to workplace toxins, says Lappe. 6th paragraph STILL, THE CRUCIAL POINT OFTEN OVERLOOKED, HE SAYS, IS THAT IN OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES THE FETUS IS THE LEAST SUSCEPTIBLE. An estimated 12 to 13 chemicals are more carcinogenic to adults than to fetuses. Because the fetal liver is not well developed, toxic substances that would be processed by that organ are shunted through the fetus's body without doing harm. Vinyl chloride is less toxic to a fetus than to either a man or a woman. 2nd column 1st paragraph BUT THOUGH THE LOGICAL SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEMS OR REPRODUCTIVE HAZARDS IS FOR EMPLOYERS TO CLEAN UP THE WORKPLACE TO PROTECT EVERYONE- WOMEN, MEN AND FETUSES ALIKE, MANY COMPANIES ARE AGAINST THE IDEA. They argue that the cost would force them out of business, and some industries would probably leave the United States rather than change, says critics. Battery factories are already moving offshore to Asia, Central America and the Caribbean because the expense of cleaning up their workplaces is considered too high. 2nd paragraph FOR COMPANIES THAT STAY PUT AND ENACT FETAL-PROTECTION POLICIES, PERHAPS, A MORE HONEST MOTIVE THAT CONCERN OVER THE WELFARE OF WOMEN AND FETUSES IS FEAR OF LAWSUITS, SAYS BERTIN. THERE IS THE REALISTIC WORRY THAT A WOMAN WHO ACCEPTS THE RISK OF WORKING AROUND REPRODUCTIVE HAZARDS AND THEN GIVES BIRTH TO A CHILD WITH DEFECTS WILL SUE THE COMPANY. 3rd paragraph BUT GINNY GREEN AND OTHER WOMEN AFFECTED BY FETAL-PROTECTION POLICIES SAY THERE IS A WAY AROUND THIS THREAT: A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO WORK IN AN ENVIRONMENT THAT IS POTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS TO A FETUS COULD SIGN AN AFFIDAVIT STATING THAT SHE IS AWARE OF THE KNOWN RISKS AND WILL NOT HOLD THE COMPANY ACCOUNTABLE SHOULD SHE BECOME PREGNANT AND HAVE PROBLEMS ARISING FROM THE EXPOSURE. 4th paragraph GREEN, WHO WOULD HAVE WILLINGLY SIGNED SUCH AN AFFIDAVIT, IS STILL WASHING THE REPIRATORS AND DIRTY GLOVES OF THE MEN WHO REPLACED HER ON THE PRODUCTION LINE. IRONICALLY, HER BLOOD LEAD LEVEL FREQUENTLY RISES WHEN SHE IS EXPOSED TO THE LEAD ON THE MEN'S GLOVES. "IF THE COMPANY WERE REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT MY HEALTH," SHE SAYS, "THEY WOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS, BUT THEY'RE NOT." 6th paragraph FOR THE TIME BEING, GREEN- WHO SAYS SHE WORRIES ABOUT HER DAUGHTER'S FUTURE IN A MALE-DOMINATED WORK WORLD- PATIENTLY AWAITS THE SUPREME COURT'S DECISION. 7th paragraph She has reason to be optimistic: In a similar case- Grant versus General Motors Corp., involving GM and Pat Grant, an iron pourer in the company's Central Foundry facility in Defiance, Ohio- a federal appeals court set aside a previous judgment in favor of the company. THE U.S. COURT OF APPEALS FOR THE SIXTH CIRCUIT SAID THAT IT AGREED "WITH THE VIEW OF THE DISSENTERS IN JOHNSON CONTROLS THAT FETAL-PROTECTION POLICIES PERFORCE AMOUNT TO OVERT SEX DISCRIMINATION..." AS A RESULT, THE COURT REMANDED THE CASE; IT IS NOW UP TO GM TO PROVE THAT ITS POLICY IS WITHOUT A DOUBT ESSENTIAL TO A SAFE AND EFFICIENT WORKPLACE.