Patti Davis, ``Bondage''
=======================
New York: Pocket Books (Simon & Schuster), 1994

p.31: And besides, Belinda knew that (* Sara's MIND WAS FOLLOWING THE TRAIL OF
HER [Belinda's] THOUGHTS.*) 
[NP] 
At that moment, (* Belinda's THOUGHTS HAD TURNED AGAIN TO *) the blood in the toilet
bowl ...

p.31: [NP] Her plans had been so simple---maybe too simple---but (* LAID OUT IN
THE DARKNESS ON THE NIGHTS SHE COULDN'T SLEEP, THEY DIDN'T SEEM OUT OF REACH.*)

p.36: She had lost track of time; she had no idea how long they'd been standing
there, or whether there was anyone else still at the party. (* SHE DEMANDED THAT
HER MIND COME BACK TO EARTH AND PAY ATTENTION.*) [NP]

p.48: [NP] She paced around her dark living room for nearly an hour, trying to
(* FORCE HIM AWAY, TO WILL HIM OUT OF HER MIND.*) What she wanted was to (* get
to the place where *) she couldn't quite remember his face or the sound of his
voice. She'd done it so many times with so many men, she couldn't believe it
was this difficult now. She'd gotten it down to a formula---(* SENDING A MAN
DOWN A LONG ROAD IN HER MIND, OVER SOME HILLS, INTO THE NEXT COUNTY,*) so that
within a matter of minutes she'd be (* SAYING, ``What color were his eyes?'' or
``What was that way he had of smiling that looked so sweet?''*) And then, when
she couldn't remember, she'd know she was free. But with Anthony, she couldn't
remember the formula. (* EVERY WAY SHE TURNED, HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.*)

p.54: [NP] It was a though Anthony had always been her life---she just hadn't
noticed him. She had brushed past him in some of the rooms of her house,
smelled his scent, felt him in the shadows, but she'd thought nothing of
it. (* Her eyes had been on the door,  HER MIND ON OTHER THINGS.*)

p.55/6: [NP] Sara watched her cross the restaurant and (* THOUGHT, ``I should
dislike this woman. I should be jealous of her.''*) She looked at Helen's faded
jeans, ..., straight blond hair framing a high-cheekboned face. But (* SHE SAW
MORE THAN THAT. SHE SAW BENEATH THE SURFACE, TO THE PLACES ANTHONY HAD BEEN, TO
THE AREAS OF HELEN'S SOUL HE HAD STAKED OUT.*) Sara couldn't dislike her---they
had too much in common.[NP]

p.62: [NP] Because her search had nothing to do with veins, or food. It had to
do with (* THE HOLE IN A CORNER OF HER SOUL, WHERE NOTHING EVER CAME TO FILL
IT.  IT WAS DARK, COLD, AND BELINDA COULDN'T STOP VISITING IT. HER MEMORIES
PULLED HER THERE, BACK TO THE FIRE THAT EXPLODED IN HER *) at the actual moment
of birth, and the way she immediately began aching for the child---her
child---... 
[NP]
What she was searching for was a miracle, a laying on of hands---something
that would (* TAKE AWAY THE ACHE *) and (* BRING THE DEAD PART OF HER SOUL BACK
TO LIFE.*)

p.62: ... a baby's persistent crying two rows back made her breasts ache,
... as though were full of milk again. (* THE MEMORY WAS STORED IN HER
BODY, IN HER TISSUES, AND MAYBE IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER.*) (* THINGS SEEMED TO
BRING IT TO LIFE *)---a baby's tears or ...

p.68: ``Just (* COMMON SENSE, WHICH SEEMS TO BE ELUDING *) you. ...''

p.68: [NP] She knew she was (* PAINTING A PICTURE IN HER MIND OF *) Paris and
Anthony, and things that she wanted to come true. It was a different experience
of fantasy from any she'd had before. It wasn't about some faceless, shadowy
dream figure: this one was flesh and blood and (* HAD A GRIP ON HER THAT LEFT
BRUISES. *)
[NP]
She was aware of the ways in which she was (* SOFTENING.*) Going to Paris was
part of that---a romantic excursion with her lover. Except her lover had (*
CALLUSES ON HIS HANDS FROM TEARING AWAY AT PEOPLE'S DEFENSES, AND NOW HE WAS
TEARING AWAY AT HERS.*) (* THAT KNOWLEDGE WAS THE REBEL PART OF HER THAT
REFUSED TO SOFTEN.*) [NP]

p.72: Sara started to feel painted and overdone; the little bit of mascara on
her eyelashes seemed to gain weight and pull on her lids. She chewed off her
lipstick, trying to strip down, (* CLAW HER WAY TO SOME SHRED OF
SELF-CONFIDENCE THAT HAD TO BE THERE STILL---IT HAD BEEN THERE ONCE *)---before
Anthony. But (* SHE ONLY SANK DEEPER, DANGEROUS WATERS RISING OVER HER
HEAD.*)[NP]

p.72: She (* knew she had just realized *) something important. (*``I'm turning
into him [Anthony],'' SHE THOUGHT.*) She (* remembered *) the day before
... She (* imagined *) the girl naked, her legs spread wide, but it wasn't her
own (* imagination *)---it was Anthony's. ... He knew he had conquered her, (*
SUPERIMPOSED HIS THOUGHTS ONTO HERS.*)[NP]

p.84: ... the sound of flushing woke her up for a moment. But then Anthony took
her hand, led her back to bed, and (* SHE SLID AGAIN INTO DREAMS.*)
[NP]
... She would try later to (* REMEMBER if he'd said anything, but  ALL OF IT
SEEMED OUT OF FOCUS.*) At nine-thirty, ... Sara wondered if she had imagined
everything. The past twenty-four hours ...[dots in orig] maybe (* SHE'D BEEN
KIDNAPPED BY A VERY LONG HALLUCINATION.*)

p.84: [NP] Sara (* FELT HER OWN SARCASM COLLIDE WITH THE MEMORY *) of holding
Anthony as he cried. (* HER SKIN REMEMBERED HIS [p.85] tears;*) maybe they had
seeped in and her blood was saltier this morning. But she kept that part of the
story from Belinda, too. (* SECRETS WERE PILING UP BETWEEN THEM.*)[NP]

p.85: There was the (* FEAR THAT FELT LIKE HOT IRONS SEARING HER.*) She could
feel her cheeks reddening, her body temperature rising; sunlight coming through
the French doors was scoring her eyes.

p.85: Sara could tell (* HER MOTHER'S EMOTIONS WERE ALMOST AT THE BREAKING POINT.*)

p.85: [NP] Sara smiled at (* THE MEMORY THAT RUSHED IN ON HER.*)

p.85/6: [NP] She'd been sitting on the bed beside her packed suitcase for
almost twenty minutes, (* daydreaming.*) (* I have to call Anthony, SHE
REMINDED HERSELF.*)[NP]

p.86: [NP] (* ONE BRIEF THOUGHT SNUCK THROUGH SARA'S SADNESS AND FEAR AND STUNG
HER *) as she hung up the phone. She (* wondered *) if Allison would be
sleeping on Sara's side of the bed that night.

p.86: [NP] The air in Los Angeles was soft and cool and reassuring. (* It's a
city that has a way of welcoming home its natives, SARA THOUGHT *..) as she
drove to the hospital, glad that she was home, far from Paris and Anthony,
(..* TELLING HERSELF OVER AND OVER---LIKE A MANTRA---THAT *) Mark was going to
be all right. Despite the confusion of time zones and altitudes, and the
strange, floating feeling they produce, (* SARA'S MIND FELT TOTALLY FOCUSED.*)

p.111: Sara had (* wondered *) occasionally, on sleepless nights, if anyone
would hear her if she screamed, if anyone would find her if ...[dots in orig]
She tried to (* PUT ROADBLOCKS UP ALONG HER IMAGINATION'S MORE MORBID
DETOURS.*) Usually, she was only marginally successful. 
[NP] 
(* Sometimes solitude feels like a dungeon, SHE THOUGHT.*..) (..*[INNER SPEECH
CONTINUED(?)] You hear chains rattling and you know they're yours. Alexander
Graham Bell probably invented the phone at a time like that---sitting alone in
his room, smoking a pipe, (* FEELING HIMSELF GETTING CLOSER TO THE FALLS, THE
BLACK SLIDE OF DEPRESSION.*) (* HE PROBABLY THOUGHT,``If only I could
reach someone easily. A letter takes too long and carrier pigeons are hardly
dependable.''*) Because it's at those moments when the phone becomes more than a
convenience. It becomes a lifeline. People with a stomach full of sleeping
pills and (* DOUBTS TIPTOEING IN *) reach for it before they die.*)

p.117: [CHAPTER START] (* At what point does another person slip into the
cracks of your psyche? BELINDA WONDERED. Is there a precise moment? How can
someone set up residence in the tunnels of your soul, in those private spaces
you've spent years locking everyone out of? Can it happen at the first meeting?
Or only after they've sized you up, mapped out the entry points? Or only after
you've handed them the keys?*)
[NP]
These (* thoughts occurred *) to Belinda as she sat in the Holiday Inn
ballroom, but not for the first time. (* Philippe (* HAD GOTTEN IN THERE
*)---that much she knew.*..) (..* SHE KEPT BUMPING INTO HIM IN HER MIND; AT
EVERY TURN OF HER THOUGHTS SHE SAW HIM STANDING THERE, ARMS OUTSTRETCHED,
BECKONING HER.*) There was something calm about him, yet something unsettling,
frenzied. She (* felt as if she were playing at the edge of a hurricane, and
she wasn't sure if Philippe was the calm eye or the wind.*)[NP]

p.127: She had the (* impression *) that (* IN PHILIPPE'S MIND, he and God were
arranging a holy war together and dividing the human race into opposing
armies.*) The militaristic angle was disturbing to her, but she could also (*
see *) the appeal of it. (* If reaching enlightenment could be plotted out and
strategized like a battle plan, then how hard could it be?*)
[NP]
She'd actually meant when she told Belinda it wasn't for her to judge
Philippe. She was too (* confused *) to judge anything. If he'd done nothing
else, he'd at least (* INVADED HER THOUGHTS AND TOSSED THEM AROUND UNTIL THERE
WAS ONLY CHAOS IN HER HEAD.*)[NP]

p.128: [NP] They stood there like two teenagers on a first date, caught in that
awful moment of wondering how to say goodnight. (* We're friends, SARA TOLD
HERSELF---we can still touch each other like friends, even though last night we
touched like lovers.*)
[NP]
Tentatively, she hugged Belinda, and then (* IT CAME RUSHING BACK TO HER.*) She
(* thought *) of lying beside her friend, of sliding across the mattress and
opening Belinda's thighs with her own. But (* SHE COULDN'T LOOK AT THE WHOLE
IMAGE---JUST JIGSAW PIECES OF IT. SHE SAW their mouths, hungry and afraid,*)
but then (* HER THOUGHTS PANICKED AND RAN AWAY.*)
[NP]
Belinda was letting Sara hug her, letting heat collect between them, and maybe
it was that which (* MADE ANOTHER IMAGE MOVE INTO SARA'S MIND.*) She (*
imagined *) herself blindfolded, unbuttoning Belinda's shirt ... It was the
blindfold that made her willing to (* EXPLORE THE SCENARIO,*) even though it
was something that would probably never occur. The blindfold would take away
all responsibility. Being sightless would make her innocent. (* HER EMOTIONS
WOULDN'T BE BLINKING WARNING LIGHTS AT HER; THEY'D BE SOMEWHERE ELSE, ON THE
NEXT STREET, WAITING FOR HER TO REGAIN HER SIGHT.*)

p.128: She (* PULLED HIS FACE INTO HER MIND,*) reacquainting herself with him.

p.129: She thought of Paris, the feel of Allison's mouth---she wanted to be
with a woman. (* Don't ask why, SARA TOLD HERSELF---the answer might scare
you.*)

p.129: Dance music was playing---(* Paula Abdul, SARA THOUGHT,*) although she wasn't
sure---...

p.129: [NP] There was something so clear and matter-of-fact about the approach
[from another woman] that Sara didn't flinch, didn't even avert her eyes. It
was an unusual reaction for her, and suddenly she (* realized *) what was
different: Whenever a man hit on her, her spine stiffened and (* HER ANGER
RUSHED [p.130:] TO THE FRONT LINES, READY TO ATTACK.*) But she felt none of
that with this woman. (* EVERYTHING INSIDE HER STAYED RELAXED.*)[NP]

p.142: [NP] ``So, Sara,'' Philippe began, leaning forward a little, fixing dark
eyes on her and (* TOSSING A HAND GRENADE INTO HER NERVES.*) She found it
difficult to look at him, but her eyes kept wanting to.[NP]

p.142: [NP] ``It [the lecture] was interesting.'' She hoped he wasn't going to
quiz her, and (* SEARCHED HER MIND *) for whatever Cliffs Notes might be (* JOTTED
THERE *)---just in case.[NP]

p.147: [Within a letter Sara is writing:] It [fairy-tale Love] must have
existed somewhere, at some point in Man's checkered history, or it couldn't
have (* FOUND ITS WAY INTO Man's CHECKERED CONSCIOUSNESS.*) [end of letter
excerpt] [NP] Sara read the letter over, (* knew that it would (* BE FILED IN
ONE OF THE BOTTOM DRAWERS OF HER PSYCHE---AND HOPEFULLY IN God's TOP DRAWER
*)---and then she threw it in the fireplace. As she struck a match, (* SHE
THOUGHT, This isn't the first time I've (* SET THIS WISH ON FIRE AND WATCHED IT
BURN *) ...*)

p.161: [NP] She could still feel Anthony inside her [after their sexual
intercourse], but (* IT WAS Belinda's FACE THAT CROWDED INTO HER MIND, PUSHING
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT.*)

p.161: [NP] Sara turned around and walked quickly back to her house. (* I'll call
her, SHE DECIDED, even if I wake her up. This is important. I have to tell her
everything---about Anthony, about the girl in the bar. Everything.*)[NP]

p.163: ``It's an emergency, Mother---I have to talk to him.'' [NP] ``What
happened? What's wrong?'' [NP] Sara (* FOLLOWED THE LEAP HER MOTHER'S THOUGHTS HAD
MADE: an accident, another of my children hurt or in trouble.*)[NP]

p.166: Sara turned Belinda around so she could kneel in front of the toilet,
and held her head while she vomited. (* If only it were that simple, SARA
THOUGHT. If only (* HER SYSTEM COULD RID ITSELF OF THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE  by just
throwing up.*)*)
[NP]
When they stood up, Sara put toothpaste on the toothbrush and handed it to
Belinda as if she were a child getting ready for bed. (* HER THOUGHTS
FRANTICALLY REACHED FOR SOME INNOCENT ANALOGY.*) She could see that Belinda was
drifting further away, retreating.

p.168: [NP] Sara was too stunned to speak. (* THE QUESTION TAKING SHAPE IN HER
MIND WAS ``Do you know who raped you?'' *)
[NP] 
But it wasn't that Belinda didn't know---it was that she needed to take this in
stages. First, she had to accept that she'd been raped, then she had to accept
that it was Philippe. Let me be (* BLIND *) for a while, was what she was
really saying. But Sara was afraid there would be a price for that (*
BLINDNESS.*)
[NP] 
She reached over, took Belinda's hand, and held on to it tightly. Come
back to the world, she tried to communicate. I know it's painful, but just do
it. She (* knew *) the (* TURN BELINDA'S THOUGHTS HAD TAKEN.*) There was only
confusion in which a dark, hooded rider had assaulted her, raped her, and
ridden off without ever showing his face. What would happen when (* THE CLOUDS
OVER HER MEMORY CLEARED *) and she (* realized *) that more cruel than the rape
was the fact that he didn't even bother to conceal his face?

p.170: ``Did he ejaculate?'' Nicole asked. [NP] A mute nod was the answer.
[NP] (* IN HER MIND, Sara put Philippe in front of her, knocked him to the
ground and screamed, ``What about your warning to women to not let a man come
in them, you motherfucker? Everyone else's come is bad, but yours is okay,
huh?''*..)  Then (..* SHE MENTALLY KICKED HIM AND LEFT HIM LYING THERE *)
... It made her feel better for a minute.[NP]

p.177: [NP] She [Sara] knew, as she raced around the house, lighting candles,
flicking on lamps, picking up stray shoes, that Philippe seemed almost mythical
to her. (* PART OF HER COULDN'T IMAGINE HIM *) driving up in a car. He should just
land, appear mysteriously, descend from the clouds.

p.181: [NP] [Belinda's thoughts:] Was that when it happened? When the air or
the earth or something enormous shifted? She couldn't [p.182:] remember now. (*
THE RAIN WAS COMING DOWN HARDER, WASHING OUT HER MEMORY LIKE A BAD STRETCH OF
ROAD.*) She closed her eyes, (* DIVING INTO THE DELUGE FOR CLUES,*) for
anything that might help her understand what happened.

p.182: His hand was gripping the back of her neck harder and his other hand was
sliding velvet up her thigh. A few more inches and he's know more
secrets---nothing underneath. Was this what she wanted? (* SHE TRIED TO SLOW
HER MIND DOWN,*) take stock, make a choice---there was a choice, right? But it
was (* NOT ONLY HER MIND THAT WAS SPINNING;*) the room was, too---candle flames
and lamplight whirling like carnival lights.

p.184: She wanted this to be a bad dream. But the sash around her wrists was
too real, and his face wasn't a face from dreams.  (* Philippe---HER MIND RACED
AWAY FROM THE SYLLABLES OF HIS NAME.*)

p.184: A storm was coming---by morning, the news had said. But the wind stopped
when his hand hit her face again, landing below her eye. Or maybe the wind
didn't stop; it was just that (* ALL HER SENSES FROZE *) in that second. She
couldn't see, hear or feel.
[NP]
(* HER MIND CAME TO THE RESCUE,*) the way minds do when the terror is too
much. (* IT SHUT DOWN *)---not completely---but enough that only some images
were processed, some sounds heard, a portion of the pain felt---(* THE REST TO
BE HELD IN TRUST.*) But (* THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE WAS FINALLY CATCHING UP TO
HER. IT MIGHT BURY HER LIKE AN AVALANCHE IF SHE LET IT.*) It had been getting
worse. (* THE RAPE KEPT CLAWING AT HER, SCREAMING IN THE DEEPEST RECESSES OF
HER PSYCHE. SHE'D SEEN IT FOLLOWING HER, TRACKING HER THROUGH THE DAYS.*) It
was the shadow that always vanished when she turned to face it.

p.186: She'd (* forgotten *..) about drinking a cup of tea; (..* ANOTHER
THOUGHT HAD MOVED IN. She remembered *) Nicole handing her a business card.

p.187/8: [The dress] was crumbling into a ball (* LIKE THE BAD MEMORY IT HAD
BECOME.*) [p.188] She knew she'd never wear it again.
[NP]
``This is Detective Boyd,'' Nicole said when Belinda was shown into her
office. (* Dark blue suit, the pale blue rug---HER MIND STARTED SPLITTING OFF
IN SILLY DIRECTIONS *..)---color combinations, the detective's blue eyes set in
a ruddy face, his red hair standing out against all the blue in the room. He
looked as if he should be sitting in an Irish pub. (..* SHE REINED IN HER
THOUGHTS, tried to focus.*)

p.192: [NP] As she went down the stairs, her footsteps echoing in the narrow
passageway, she wondered if she was excluding Mark the same way she thought
Belinda had excluded her. But it was only (* a passing concern, CROWDED OUT BY
THE IMAGE *) of Philippe and the media frenzy surrounding him. (* This is
nothing, SARA THOUGHT,*) pulling into the evening traffic ...

p.197: ... wondering whether she really wanted to call Anthony. It was always
like this---(* PULLING HIS FACE BACK INTO HER MIND; IT DISAPPEARED SO EASILY
SOMETIMES. OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND *)---which must mean that she didn't
really love him. Because doesn't love mean (* THAT PERSON IS ALWAYS WITH YOU,
EVEN IF NOT PHYSICALLY? DON'T PEOPLE IN LOVE HOLD ON TO EACH OTHER'S
PRESENCE,*) ...?
[NP]
The phone rang, (* SNAPPING HER OUT OF HER THOUGHTS.*)

p.211: But he wasn't like everyone else; he was the one who kept (* CRASHING
INTO HER THOUGHTS, making her doubt her own perceptions,*) the one (* WHOSE
WHISPERS GUIDED HER INTO DEEP TUNNELS *) that only felt like home when she was
bound and blindfolded and made his prisoner.

p.235: [NP] Belinda's remedy for depression had always been to wash her
hair. For whatever reasons, the act of shampooing seemed to (* DISPEL SOME OF
THE DARK CLOUDS THAT HUNG OVER HER. IF TOO MANY STILL REMAINED,*) she'd dye her
hair, ...

p.235: But there had been no relief lately. (* THE DEPRESSION JUST STRETCHED
ON--- A LONG, SAD ROAD TO MORE OF THE SAME.[NP]

p.235: She never lit candles anymore---only lamps. (* MEMORIES IGNITED WITH
CANDLE FLAMES *)---ugly memories---and she didn't think the flames had any
right to dance around so merrily.

p.240: [NP] Mark frowned and his brow creased the same way Sara's did (* WHEN
TOO MANY THOUGHTS COLLIDED.*)

p.240: She paused and thought about what she'd just said, about (* THE MESSAGE
LURKING BENEATH THE WORDS.*)

p.241: During the day, it might be a park Belinda would visit to watch children
on the swings. (* SHE WOULD BRING HER FANTASIES, HER MEMORIES, HER HOPE *..)
for a clue to what her child might have looked like. But (..* SHE DIDN'T BRING
ANY OF THAT WITH HER TONIGHT.*) She was [p.242] sitting in the eerie quiet, (*
WEIGHTED DOWN WITH QUESTIONS NO ONE COULD ANSWER AND AN ARMLOAD OF GUILT.*) She
was prosecuting Philippe for rape, but (* SOMETHING INSIDE HER FELT THAT *)
rape was her just punishment for stumbling so many times in her life.

p.278: The soundtrack of the past five months had been a virtual chant of
``yes'' and ``trust me, Sara''---the latter spoken so many times by Anthony
that (* IT SETTLED INTO SARA'S BRAIN *) and started to sound like her own
voice.[NP]

p.288: (* I have to pay attention, SHE WARNED HERSELF. Don't look at
Philippe. Don't look at the back rows [of the courtroom] and the eyes that hate
me.*)

p.296: It was still early---the sky barely light---but she couldn't go back to
sleep.  (* HER MIND KEPT TRYING TO GRAB ONTO THE THREAD OF
SOMETHING---SOMETHING VAGUE AND SHADOWY THAT HOVERED JUST OUT OF REACH.*)[NP]